OFFICER JIGGABOO
Click anywhere to learn about Jigga
OFFICER JIGGABOO
Click anywhere to learn about Jigga
Fighting the Menace You've Never Heard Of
"One hit of Jigga and your child may never look at a protractor the same way again."
— Surgeon General's Advisory, 1993 (unverified)
This website is a production of the Office of Jigga Prevention & Awareness (OJPA), a division that technically does not exist within any known federal agency. Funding provided by confiscated Jigga proceeds (est. value: $41.50). Document classification: FOUO-JIGGA-2024-001. Not for distribution in counties where Jigga has been legalized (none).
"I'm Officer Jiggaboo, and I'm here to block Jigga."
For over 35 years, I've patrolled the hallways of America's schools, the aisles of its shopping malls, and the comment sections of its internet forums — all to deliver one message: Jigga is not okay.
Some people will tell you Jigga "doesn't exist." That it was "made up for a website." That there's "no chemical compound matching this description." Those people are already on Jigga.
Officer Jiggaboo is a registered trademark of the OJPA. He cannot be harmed. He does not sleep. He has no union.
A Parent's Guide to Early Detection — Revised Edition (1994, 1997, 2002, 2024)
If your child exhibits four (4) or more of these behaviors within a 72-hour period, contact OJPA immediately. Three (3) or fewer may indicate normal adolescent weirdness and/or jazz appreciation.
*March workshops cancelled due to the 2003 Incident. Details remain classified under OJPA Directive 7(b). The Community Center has been rebuilt.
"My son used to be a normal kid. Then one day he came home and asked me what an isoceles was. We lost him after that."
— Linda M., Concerned Parent, Topeka, KS (testimony on file)
HEALTH ALMANAC
America's Most Trusted Medical-ish Journal Since 1991
SPRING 1996
$4.95 US / $47.00 CAN
THE NEUROSCIENCE OF JIGGA
How one fictional compound is rewiring brains that don't exist — an exclusive 14-page investigation
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
Dr. Harold Fenwick reveals what the government won't tell you about what the government is telling you
JIGGA BY THE NUMBERS
0 confirmed cases. 0 clinical trials. 0 known chemical formulas. And yet: millions at risk.
PLUS:
10 Jigga-Free Smoothie Recipes • Is Your Dog on Jigga? (Probably Not, But Read This Anyway) • Coupon for OJPA-Approved Foam Detector
ISSN 0000-JIGGA
Health Almanac is not a real publication and has never been peer-reviewed, cited, or read by anyone with a medical degree. The American Medical Association has asked us to stop emailing them.
Interstate Public Service Message — I-95 Mile Marker 247 (Northbound)
Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect Awareness
Billboard space donated by Larry's Signs & Awnings, Exit 12
This billboard has been displayed at an undisclosed number of highway locations since 1994. It has prevented exactly as many Jigga incidents as there have been Jigga incidents (zero). Effectiveness rating: incalculable.
Live Broadcast Transcript — Channel 14 Action News at 6
WAR ON JIGGA
Special Report
CH 14
Transcript Excerpt — Broadcast 03/14/1996 — 18:07 EST
Credible: So you're saying the pharmaceutical industry knows about Jigga and is covering it up?
"Researcher": What I'm saying, Diane, is that when I submitted my research on Jigga to the FDA, they responded — and I quote — "We have no idea what you're talking about." That's a cover-up if I've ever seen one.
Credible: Chilling. And the compound itself — what does it look like?
"Researcher": That's just it. Nobody's ever seen it. Nobody's ever synthesized it. But the absence of evidence, Diane — and I want your viewers to hear this — the absence of evidence is the most dangerous evidence of all.
Credible: [turning to camera] There you have it, folks. We'll be right back with our seven-part series, "Jigga: What Aren't They Telling Us, and Why Aren't They Telling Us More?"
This transcript has been edited for clarity and also for entertainment value and also because none of it actually happened. Channel 14 Action News does not exist. Diane Credible is not a real journalist but she's more credible than most.
OJPA Form J-7: Personal Risk Evaluation
Developed by the Institute for Jigga Studies at a University We're Not Allowed to Name
Question 1 of 5
Required
How often do you think about geometric shapes?
1 / 5
OJPA Risk Assessment — Official Result
YOU ARE
AT RISK
Based on your responses — regardless of what they were — our proprietary algorithm has determined that you are at significant risk for Jigga exposure. This result is final, non-negotiable, and not subject to appeal.
"The fact that you took this quiz at all is, frankly, a red flag." — Officer Jiggaboo
Your Risk Score
47.3
out of a possible ███
Risk scores are generated using a complex formula that multiplies the number of questions answered by a number we made up. All results are identical. The OJPA has a 100% detection rate, which is also, technically, a 100% false positive rate. These two facts are not contradictory if you don't think about them.
Jigga By The Numbers — OJPA Annual Report (Fiscal Year: All of Them)
0
Confirmed Cases
$4.7M
Annual Budget
312
Pamphlets Printed
∞
Potential Victims
Budget includes $1.2M for Officer Jiggaboo's chrome detailing and $400K for the annual OJPA holiday party (theme: "A Jigga-Free Christmas"). Remaining funds unaccounted for.